[nineightnineone]

on thanksgiving i woke up in an extreme amount of pain and i knew i was destined for the emergency room, i am 17 years old and on turkey day i was to have my appendix removed. i am what you would call a drug user. i have tried alot of entheogens and ethnobotanicals, alcohol, some benzodiazepines, some weak opioids, and that's it. i never touched pot though. anyway i always romanticized the use of opium, morphine, heroin, and other painkiller derivatives as a martyrdom and a very self sacrificing way to live."the death of pain"or so i thought.when you ask me to describe my pain, i always think there could be something worse happening to me, so i can never give a well communicated idea of what i am feeling. on thanks giving day i was arguably in more pain that i have ever been in ever. when i got to the ER and i got the god aweful news, i was given an anti-inflamitory, and then i was given a shot of morphine directly into my vein. i felt a rush almost immediately that some junkies describe better than sex (i don't really agree, but i'm also a virgin), and granted i felt better, i didn't think there was any going back after what had just happened, that i had used something awefully close to heroin, that i didn't feel like i did when i used to romanticize it, and now i was here, alone in a room with a head full of morphine.i was moved to a new room and was given a second shot about 4 hours later, i was still in a large amount of pain and said **** it, i may as well take the rush again and relax before surgery, but it was given in the muscle and it game on very slow. there was no rush or much relief. before surgery i asked my doctor for something stronger if he wouldn't inject into the iv anymore, i suggested fentanyl and he volunteered dilauded (name brand hydromorphone, 4-8x stronger than morphine) into the muscle, but it didn't do much as i was in excruciating pain after surgery. i got about 4 more of those shots over the night and then they started giving me 2, 5 mg percocets every four hours for a day which seem to give better relief than the hcl meds i was getting before.right now i'm out of the hospital with a script for the percocets as well as a stool softener. my short term memory as well as my attention span have diminished and i feel like a moron. i have about 24 more percs that are supposed to last me a few more days. i thought i might be getting addicted to pain meds so i took a break last night a went to sleep in pain, but when i woke up i took some more. i ams tarting to feel bad about all the drugs i have taken for recreational purposes and how i'll never be with the girl i love because i have become such a goddamn junky. right now i have track marks running up and down my arms from the shots, a general warmth from the painkillers and an ambigious feeling of dread in the future i cannot seem to shake. opiates really aren't my type of drug anyway. what long term effects with this week have on my life?there is no god to the moron second poster

[sarah]

You should be fine if you keep staying away from the drugs.

[Heart Felt]

Find a good church, read the Bible, Pray to God with thanks and ask as if you believe, you know what to ask for, it will change your life and it is likely that you will meet nice people.