[Leapy]

Long story short, in August I had surgery done and the pain meds they gave me didn't do a thing to help. I took a 50mg morphine for the pain instead of what I was prescribed(I'm not buying them from someone, lets just say I just have some though not my prescription). Since then I took it for about a month until the pain from surgery actually started to go away. I was taking maybe 1 or two a day, as I didn't want to be dependent on them.

However the day I had surgery I started getting severe anxiety attacks to the point I cant function properly. When I stopped taking the morphine I had them constantly all day long, and a new pain in my abdomen. Also, I became severely depressed and didn't know why. I wouldnt talk, I couldnt do anything. To the point my family started to notice and since I was in pain suggested I take the morphine- it cleared everything right up. I am completely functional on morphine, it doesnt make me drowsy or sick, it improves my mood drastically.

The longest I have tried going without it has been I think 3 days- and it was unbearable. I cried emotionally and physically. I asked my surgeon about it and he just told me it wasnt his specialty. But I have no insurance so I cant get it checked out. I feel so addicted to the morphine, but I do not want to be, but I want to function- I want to be the happy person I was before all of this and Im at my wits end. I am 23, I have two small children, getting married in November, a decent job, working on my bachelors- I enjoy my life but I cant express it unless Im taking this drug. I used to smile and laugh ALL the time, I was probably a little obnoxious with it lol. I want that back, but I feel trapped since I do not have the money to get it checked, and I feel like going tot he ER to get the other pain checked will just show them Ive been taking a powerful drug in my system thats not mine and not take me seriously. I have tried Zoloft without the morphine and it only intensifies the anxiety to the point I cant even sit down.

How can I wean myself off it, if its even possible? I just do not know what to do anymore, please, please help me.